I truly am a simple creature

The pictures below speak for themselves (but I've captioned them, for added fun).


Is your woody natural? I know mine is!



This man is such a ninja-fast cook that his actions can't even be captured on standard digital media.



This really, seriously is a shirt I found at the local superstore Walmart-clone here. The English language doesn't have words to express the combination of mirth, confusion, and horror I felt upon viewing this. I might as well add that the shirt even came with its own bling (two gaudy fake-silver crosses on a chain thick enough to haul logs with). I weep for the future of this country.



Not only will we bring sexy back, we will show you exactly what to do with it.

Retarded teachers, and other tomfoolery

I am not a happy Brett. I just got back from a class that started off well, if rather difficultly – the sannensei are learning the relative pronoun right now, a phenomenon that still remains a sacred mystery to many native English speakers – but went swiftly downhill toward the end. The class was doing a translation worksheet, and I was checking their progress and lending aid where I could.

Class structure is team teaching, so I always work with at least one native speaker of Japanese. Today’s JTE (Japanese Teacher of English) was also checking answers, and proceeded to explain the grammar in question to the class after we were done letting them give it a go on their own. We went over the answers together, until we came to one sentence where she made a mistake: ‘This is Louis Braille, the man who invented the Braille.’ One of our students first spoke up, expressing her confusion (the student had written the sentence correctly, without the). I was in the process of saying something, but my JTE cut me off and tried to move on, saying that the point in question wasn’t related to relative pronouns so we shouldn’t dwell on it. Sigh. Ok, fine…but then our student dropped her pencil and muttered, “Why is this so difficult? I thought I was correct…” right before she started crying. I wanted to fucking slap my JTE.

Fortunately the Japanese have remarkable skill in ignoring/working through distractions; the rest of the students were kind enough to focus on their…well, navel-gazing, perhaps…and not make an issue out of it. My JTE tried to comfort the poor girl, but was met with little success. Fortunately the class ended then; soon afterward I saw my student crying on a friend’s shoulder. All this stupidity simply because my JTE was too rushed or too proud to admit a mistake. Or hell, who knows…maybe my JTE had actually encountered some text that had such mistaken English in it. She (and in a broader sense, many Japanese teachers of English) seem to cling almost rabidly to their published texts, even when working with a native speaker of English who says, “No, that isn’t correct.” I wish she would just show a little trust – we JETs are all college-educated adults who have spent quite a bit more time using English than most Japanese people currently alive.

Update: Brett is no longer pissed. During a short assembly at the end of the school day, I had a talk with the head English teacher here at KJH. He actually brought up the issue, saying that he had heard there was some small problem in one of the English classes. Glossing over the details of our chat, I will say only that that man is a saint. He showed remarkable empathy and quickly came up with a solution that I’m sure will be amicable to all parties involved. Kudos, hats off, and all other such gestures to him, for he is truly a professional, caring, good teacher.

In Other News of the Realm…

Today was a reminder that I’m still not used to living up in the mountains. I opened the front door of my apartment to leave for school this morning and was greeted by a wall of fog thick enough to stop a Mack truck. It had evaporated by 10am, but it was still quite a sight until then. Now all Kosaka needs is a nearby lake and a serial killer with a hockey mask…

I try not to focus on English mistakes my students make; it is their second language and most of them are pretty new to it. Some of them are just too funny to pass up, though. The ichinensei were working on is/are, and I asked them if there was anything wrong with a sentence one student had previously written on the chalkboard: “Kumi’s father are very tall.” One student corrected it to say: “Kumi’s fathers are very tall.” Well, technically correct English, but…

I explained in Japanese what was going on here.

Brett: So, this means that Kumi has two fathers.
Student 1: Ah. Well…
Student 2: It’s possible.
Brett: Uh-huh. How do you figure?
Student 2: Well, we live in a modern world…
Brett: But we are studying is and are.
Student 1: I will fix it. (gets up to go to chalkboard)
Student 2: No, it’s ok. Gay things are ok. Maybe the textbook’s author is gay.
Brett: From the mouths of babes…well, the liberal attitude is good, at least.

I have about 170 students I see regularly, so remembering their Japanese names is a bit of a chore. They wear nametags, but reading them is not always as easy as it sounds. Japanese last names aren’t too bad; most are related to nature and are pronounced with the natural Japanese (訓読み, kunyomi) pronunciation for the characters used. Teachers typically call their students by their first names, though, as it implies more of a teacher/student relationship than one between colleagues. Also, last names see a lot of repetition in Japanese. At KJH there are 5 Anbos, 5 Takahashis, 5 Wadas, 6 Kudos, 11 Naritas, and a whopping 15 Kimuras...so first names become a necessity. Unfortunately, though, the pronunciation of first name characters is a bit more ambiguous. There are some standard ones used, but there is also a list of alternate pronunciations for each first name character…and sometimes people just make up something entirely new. It leaves me in a situation like this:

Brett: So, how do you say your name?
$µ※☹: Oh, it’s Akira.
¥㎐➹➌✸: Really? Me, too!
Brett: Oh, God…
$µ※☹: I’ve always preferred the nasalized ‘k’ sound from the 11^th dynasty, though…
Brett: Head…hurt…
+(æΣєӨ: Hey, I thought that came from the reign of Emperor Kamenoyounikakureru.
Brett: Wait, who are you?
+(æΣєӨ: Akira, but with a long ‘i’.
Brett: Son of a…
¥㎐➹➌✸: I’m glad we use the simplified characters for our names, else it might be kind of hard to remember!
Brett: *head explodes*

Like many JETs, I resort to nicknaming, just to keep them straight in my head. I swear I’m not an asshole; these are the only tools I have to keep everyone straight! ‘Sides, it’s not like I actually share these names with my students…

Slobber
This kid salivates excessively when he’s excited or nervous, which is pretty much any time I ask for his participation in class. I seriously want to get him a drool cup for Christmas, just so he can speak with some modicum of clarity. Swallow, buddy, it won’t kill you…

Tensai Row
Tensai is Japanese for genius, and this name actually refers to one row of three girls who always know all of the answers for textbook questions, as if they just downloaded the whole thing to their brains. Whoa…I know kung fu! I actually love their class, because I’ll always have at least three volunteers for the standard material we go over. I just hope the other kids don’t feel overshadowed; I try to avoid calling on Tensai Row too much so as to encourage everyone else’s participation. *shakes fist at sky* Damn my school for not having an English club!

I have more of these, but they can wait for another time...my brain is coasting on fumes. I just found out that tomorrow is going to be a long, boring day. Normally I only teach two classes on Friday, and tomorrow both of those classes have the lesson test for chapter 6. I don't need to be present for classes that consist only of a test, so I have absolutely nothing but prep and internet time-wasting on the docket for tomorrow. Not an exciting prospect ☹

School Fest

I had a sad realization this morning that actually has nothing to do with this topic. I’m not sure exactly how cold it’s getting at night these days, but it ain’t warm and I left my plant outside last night. I haven’t been doing too well with that guy as of recent, so I really hope I didn’t kill him. Yes, it’s a ‘he.’ Don’t ask me how I know this.

Anyway, this past weekend was KJH’s yearly school festival. It (and all such Japanese school fests, as far as I am aware) is not centered around any sort of sports event, like the U.S.’s homecoming, but is its own event in and of itself. …Was that redundant? I don’t have a clue; my English is in the shitter right now.

Like all such events that involve a public display of crafts, performances, or whatever, the Japanese take this very seriously. After-school clubs have been canceled for the last 3 weeks, and everyone (teachers and students) has been staying after school until at least 6pm preparing for this. So if you were disappointed at my recent lack of updates, now you understand ☺ My personal…erm…”me-centered” contribution was not enormous (I made a big Minnesota-themed display), but I was still there for observation, moral support, and assistance wherever I could.

From my perspective, what this event really was was a sort of “pep show/open house” that went beyond just school spirit to encompass personal efforts and those of each “team” (class). It was really quite amazing, observing the prep and how all of the students, even the shyest and quietest, worked together to make this happen. The classrooms were all turned into museums of sorts, each one displaying a different class’s efforts. Here are a few pictures from the English display, as well as one of the Minnesota display that I made…

This is an example of ichinensei, students who have been studying English for 1 year.


And this is from the 2nd year students, ninensei.



Fear the wrath of mos-cow-to!

And here are a few from the arts and crafts department…





You have taken Pooh's honey. Now he shall take your soul!


Sometimes my students worry me. At least they aren't drawing pictures of my bloody, dismembered corpse (yet).

The real highlight of the festival, though, was the show that all of the classes contributed an act to. This was mostly performed on the gymnasium's stage, which was unfortunately too dark for me to photograph properly - I was too far away for a flash to have any meaning, and I don't yet own one of those nifty uber-cameras that can suck in light all the way from Alpha Centauri. Eh...my camera's also a cell phone, web browser, TV, and an .mp3 player, so I can't complain too loudly ^_^

The ichinensei did a big choreographed dance to a mix of popular songs, and sang/shouted along with parts of it. The ninensei put on a skit which actually seemed pretty deep, but much of it was too complicated for me to understand. The basic theme, though, was how we all put on faces - or "masks," the name of the play - to please our parents, classmates, and the rest of society. It involved a gang of punkish kids making trouble in a coffee shop and encouraging the store employees to rebel against their boss, but then stepping outside and asking each other what the point of their nonconformity was. None of them had an answer; one just shrugged and said, "My friend thought it'd be cool."
It ended kind of creepily, with all of the stars donning these eerie expressionless paper-maché masks and saying something like, "These are better; no one knows what our real faces look like anyway."
The sannensei did a hilarious rendition of Beauty and the Beast that included an epic duel between angry, torch-wielding townspeople and six students costumed as silverware. I had to giggle when one of the forks performed a flying headbutt and nearly emasculated a poor guy with his tongs. The look on that kid's face was fucking priceless. I do hope he wasn't actually hurt...

The closing ceremony was lots of laughs, too. The final event was an arm-wrestling contest up on the stage, in front of the whole school. Each class sent forth a few delegates, and teams were formed. Of course, this wouldn't be complete without teacher participation, too...you can see where this is going. They did ask me in advance before inviting me up on stage, and then I faced off against the P.E./Health Education teacher. We put on a damn fine show for them, if I do say so myself. I dove and rolled across the stage to my space at the podium, and he walked on his hands. We then faced off and bowed, pretending to each draw samurai swords at our sides. And let me tell you...what followed was a clash of titans, a battle that will be remembered in epic song for ages to come. I (barely) won, and seriously question whether I would have if he hadn't walked across the stage on his hands right before. That man is freaking strong, especially considering that I probably have about 20cm and at least 10kg on him.

The inevitable drinking party for the teachers followed that evening, and when they asked me to speak I made sure to end by offering the P.E. teacher a rematch, whenever he was ready. I brought him a bag of buffalo jerky the next day and told him it would give him great power. If I survive the rematch, I'll be sure to tell you how it goes.

Calling all cars!

KJH's yearly school festival is coming up soon, and it's been communicated to me that it would be "a very interesting and good idea" (read: requirement) for me to contribute an exhibit of my home state. I've so far opened this blog up to comments from anyone feeling the urge; I'm now actively asking for your contributions. What do you want Kosaka's young 'uns to learn about the fair state of MN? My goal is to put together something that 12-15 year olds will care about, i.e. I don't want it to read like a tourist brochure. Resources I have available to me include:

Any school supplies you can think of...
-colored paper
-pens
-markers
-all other such material
My MacBook, which will almost certainly be used for PowerPoint
Anything I can get from the 'net in a week's time

I'll (possibly) be visiting a large city this weekend that has a fair supply of international goods, so I'm considering some small (cheap) handouts for my exhibit. Any MN companies come to mind? I may end up using the handouts as a prize to go along with some sort of quiz; this'll help to keep me from going bankrupt in the process of getting enough to go around.

So, what else is our state known for, aside from farms, freezing-ass winters, and mosquitoes big enough to carry away cows? Any and all suggestions are appreciated. I'm interested from hearing from people not in MN right now, as well - what impressions do other states have?